


Renegade All the Way

by HinaSaku



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Bitchslapping, Brotherly Love, Character Bashing, Cheating, Declarations Of Love, F/F, F/M, Gay For You, Gay Male Character, Gen, Humor, Ignorant, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Humor, Irony, Jealousy, Lazy Mornings, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mating Bites, Multi, Nonsense, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Parody, Prostitution, Renegade Kaidan Alenko, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Romance, Secretly a Virgin, Sneaky Bastards, Undercover As Prostitute, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HinaSaku/pseuds/HinaSaku
Summary: Meet Matthew Shepard, part time Spectre full time renegade. He's always hungry for a piece of ass and even more so to tick people off. Sometimes he can be kind, but don't get used to it. Join him in his quest to not only get laid, but also to be the biggest jerk in the galaxy.





	1. The Beginning

Matthew Shepard held his head against the wall, trying to listen in on Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina's conversation. It sounded like they were trying to pick someone to be the Executive Officer on the Normandy. He was praying that his name came up somewhere in the conversation. Hadn't he done enough to earn a spot on the ship? Sure it had resulted in the deaths of his fellow comrades but fuck! It got the job done, didn't it? It had to be him. If it wasn't, let's just say whoever they did pick would have a long talk with Shepard. To be honest, the only reason he even wanted to be picked was because of one person and one person only…that Kaiden guy. He had worked with the guy a couple of times and found the guy a nice piece of work…in a good way mind you. He was an alright guy and good looking too.

"What about Shepard?" he heard one of them say. Did they just say his name? He squealed like a teenage girl…a very loud teenage girl. He covered his mouth and quickly stared out the nearest window just as someone came around the corner.

"What was that noise?" Shepard heard someone ask him. Feeling too embarrassed to face the person, he pretended as if he was too far into his own thoughts to notice. Indeed he had been picked by Captain Anderson and it made him swell up with pure pride at the chance and being near that nice piece of ass, Kaiden. Damn that bastard was sexy.

* * *

Matthew Shepard was pretty bored off his ass. Another boring ass day on the Alliance ship. Shepard had been expecting some pretty heavy action the moment he was picked to be on the Normandy, but sadly there was none to be seen or had. Sure they had been called in for a few missions, but all of them were boring as fuck for him. Being in space was supposed to be exciting and cool. At least that's what the commercials kept saying. While it was sort of cool seeing the places, he didn't come for that. He came for the fighting and he wasn't getting that shit on the Normandy. He should have stayed where ever the fuck he was before. Heck being a prostitute was more exciting than being on patrols. 

He decided to find out what ol Seth…uh JOKER was doing. It was better than staring at the wall at the moment. While he was down there, may as well crack jokes about how he was secretly fucking the ship or at least jerking off to the hunk of metal. He never saw the guy leave his station, so maybe that's what he was doing. There was an auto-pilot on the ship after all and a co-pilot. Speaking of co-pilot, looks like Lieutenant Sexy was up there.

The trouble with Kaiden was that no matter how many times he flirted with him, he seemed to either not hear or didn't give a single shit or mistook it for something else. One day, Alenko, one fucking day. Once he got up there, he spotted A FUCKING DINOSAUR! Weren't those things supposed to be dead?

'I thought those fuckers went extinct!' Shepard stared at the "dinosaur". Matthew reached out and was about to touch the advanced dinosaur when it spoke.

"Fifteen hundred is good." said the dino making Shepard jump. It could talk! "Your captain will be pleased."

The alien then walked off. Shepard looked over at Kaiden. "Uh what the heck was that thing?"

"He's a turian. His name is Nihlus." Kaiden wiped his brow. "I'm surprised you didn't know that."

"Really? He looks like a dinosaur." So that was what turians looked like. They were hideous!

"Hm. He kind of does, doesn't he?" Kaiden agreed.

"I don't care what the hell he looks like. He's an asshole!" Joker grumbled. "I hate that guy."

"Nihlus gave you a compliment, so you hate him."

"You remember to zip up your zipper after taking a shit, that's good. I just flew us through fifteen suns and hit a target the size of a neutron, so that's incredible."

"You just don't like him because he's a spectre."

"Spectres are trouble and I don't like having them on-board." grumbled Joker.

"I'd be more worried about the fact that he's a fucking dinosaur with sharp teeth. When he eats one of us, we'll know who to blame." Matthew said not trusting the sharp tooth alien. Who knows if that thing like to eat humans or anything not turian.

"I don't think we'll have to worry about that anytime soon, Commander." reassured Kaidan while Joker rolled his eyes.

"You know, if you had teeth like that, I'd let _you_ bite me." Shepard said playfully.

"Did you say something, commander?"

"You don't wanna know. Trust me." said a clearly disturbed Joker.

"Fuck off, Joker."

"I'll fuck off when you…"

Suddenly Captain Anderson's voice boomed over the speaker. "Joker send Shepard over to the comm. room. I need to speak to her."*

Joker and Kaiden snickered. Shepard glared at the pilot. "Keep laughing, Joker. You're already pushing it by just being here."

"Are you there, Joker?"

"Of course he is. Where the fuck is he going?" said Shepard.

"He's on his way. Speaking of which, that cocksucker Nihlus the High-Ass is on his way."

"He's already here." Anderson clicked off.

Joker gulped rather loudly, nearly breaking his neck in the process. "Shit."

"Finished shitting yourself yet, Joker?" Kaiden smirked. 

"Whatever, Kaiden. Why the hell are you even up here anyways?"

"I have no idea." He shrugged.

"Then what the fuck are you doing?"

"I pressing buttons." He then began to press another button at the same time.

"Get the fuck out of here. I can't have you messin' with my baby!" 

"I've been up here for the last hour and now you're saying something?"

"You wanna take this outside, Alenko?"

"Don't even try, Joker. Kaiden could just blow on you once and you'd fall over." laughed Shepard. He'd actually pay money to see that.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, **_Miss_ ** Shepard?"

"Whatever you piece of shit." Shepard would have tossed Joker out of the airlock if it wasn't for the fact that he was actually the pilot and he would be in deep shit with Anderson and the Alliance for doing so without a good reason other than the fact that he was annoying him, which was a pretty good reason in Shepard's book.

Shepard headed over the room only to find the turian Nihlus. He got right to his side and was mere inches in the space dino's face. Nihlus stared right back at him, getting really uncomfortable. As expected with anybody whether they be alien or an animal, Nihlus was in full rights to tell Shepard to back the hell off. After a few more minutes of Shepard being right underneath him, the turian was just about to tell Shepard to please back off when the human shoved his finger up his nose.

"Shepard, what the…"

"As I thought. Space boogers! Jenkins owes me some money. I told him aliens have boogers!" Shepard said wiping the disgusting stuff on the turian's armor. Nihlus just stared at the human. Was _this_ really the guy he nominated for position as a Spectre? He was starting to regret coming here. Perhaps he should have considered that asari or even that volus or anybody except this creep.

"Commander, I didn't come here for you to pick my nose." Nihlus said trying his best to keep his temper down. 

"Then what did you come here for, Mr. Space Bird? Come to eat us all, have you?" Shepard crossed his arms.

"Where would you even get such an idea from?"

"Pointing ass teeth, dinosaur features, sharp predator eyes, and most importantly those legs." He said pointing to each feature. "You could try eating me if you're hungry enough. I know you've had the taste of flesh before. Don't try relieving it."

"What?"

"I don't trust space raptors, even if they do talk." Shepard snapped. "Why isn't Captain Anderson here? He needs to restrain you!"

"He just…"

"…got eaten? BY YOU?!" He accused pointing at him.

"NO! Commander, you're acting ridiculous!"

"Or am I? How do I know that you're telling the truth? Hm, Mr. Pointy Teeth?"

"Do you see any blood, Commander?" He gestured to his face and armor. It was nice and clean as it should be.

"I don't need blood to know you have the Captain's body stored away somewhere on the ship!" accused the commander poking a finger in the turian's face once more. "Where is it or do I have to get your master?!"

"First of all, keep your dirty ass human fingers out of my face andget out of my personal space, Shepard." Nihlus snapped, shoving the man out of his way. "Second of all, even if I did murder Captain Anderson, how on earth would have gotten away with? There's no way to hide him."

"Maybe you slipped somebody a 20? Slip me a 50 and I'll forget about this whole incident." He wiggled his eyebrows at the turian. He was broke so he needed the money.

"How about I slip you a bullet and have me not regret it."

"DO IT." The two males glared at each other heatedly before Anderson finally showed up.

"Oh thank the sprites." said Nihlus relieved that the man had finally arrived. Perhaps this would make this asshole shape up and respect him.

"Why did you invite this asshole aboard?" Shepard said bluntly. So much for making Shepard shape up.

"Commander, you do know what a spectre is, right?"

"Yes and I don't really give a shit." He shrugged.

"You should learn to respect authority, Commander." The turian was really close to gunning down Shepard on the spot.

"Respect the nuts in between my legs, NEEL-ASS." Matthew Shepard obviously wasn't giving a shit no matter who he was talking to or whomever he was in front of. 

"Shepard, you might want to reconsider your words. Nihlus has come to see if you have the skills to become a spectre." said Anderson.

"Oh?" Matthew looked at the turian.

"Yes, despite the fact that you're the most annoying jerk I've ever met, I have come to do that." Nihlus was thinking about taking that back when Shepard just laughed. Being a spectre was a high honor and he was laughing! This asshole had balls and not in a good way either. He was regretting this decision but he couldn't go back on it now.

"I don't wanna become a shitty spectre. I've got better things to do."

"Really? Name one then."

"Uh…well uh…well there's…no, that's Joker's job…oh there's…no…well how about…" Shepard just shook his head and stroked his handsome chin. He really couldn't figure out a good reason to not be a spectre. After a while Anderson spoke up before Shepard could say anything else.

"Shepard, this isn't about you." said Anderson. "This is about humanity here."

He then went on to lecture about how important this was for humans and if Shepard got the spot it could be great and blah blah blah. Shepard really didn't give a fuck about humanity or turians are any other race/species. He'd rather be gunning down bad guys and getting laid in the process. Did spectres even get laid? He had never heard of all the ladies being about spectres, so he really couldn't say so.

"So I'm guessing I don't really get a choice here." pouted the man.

"No you don't." said Anderson.

Suddenly an urgent message from the planet they were about to head to came in. Joker quickly patched it through. The video wasn't all that clear, but it seemed that everything down there was going to shit right in front them. There were explosions, people being killed, and gunfire. What the heck was going on down? Noticing something in the video, Anderson told Joker to hold it at a particular point in the video. In the video was…a metal looking cuttlefish.

"So it has begun…" Shepard said dramatically.

"What do you mean by that?" Nihlus said as he and Anderson looked at the commander.

"First the bird, then the raptors, and now…THE SEA CREATURES ARE FINALLY TAKING OVER!" Anderson rubbed his forehead while Nihlus just wanted to throw up his hands and leave. 

"Will you just shut up, human?" Nihlus was really close to snapping the man's neck. "Are you sure you're not just taking credit for someone else's work, you crazy fuck?!"

"Calm down, it was just a joke, you racist."

"Ra-…I'm outta here!" The turian just threw up his arms in frustration. "I'll be as far away from this…this…NUT as possible!"

Shepard just shrugged it off and questioned Anderson about the colony. It turned out that this wasn't just a shakedown run. The colonists on Eden Prime had discovered a Prothean beacon on the planet and it was more than likely that someone was down there trying to get to it. Their mission was to go down there and make sure it go out of there before it could reach the wrong hands. Matthew didn't mind going down there and showing those wimps down there a thing or two…at least until he found out who he was going with. Kaidan was someone he didn't mind going with. Jenkins was a fucking nightmare. He strongly disliked the man for a lot of reasons. The guy just wouldn't shut up about how excited he to be finally getting some action and how boring colony life was and kept bugging him about Torfan. Shepard would have happily gotten rid of the man a long time ago if there wasn't anything holding him back. Perhaps there was be some more danger left over after the attack and it would rid him of Jenkins. Therefore Shepard didn't complain. Then Shepard realized that the walking turd was coming with them.

"Are you sure you want _it_ coming with us? I mean what if it gets hungry?" Shepard said with Nihlus standing right the fuck there. By now Nihlus was unsurprised by Shepard being a disrespectful asshole. 

"Do you even think before you speak?" snapped Nihlus tempted to shove Shepard out of the ship. 

"Do you think before you suck nut sack?" snapped back Shepard.

"You do realize he's a spectre, don't you? He can kill you without getting in trouble." whispered Jenkins.

"I don't give a rat's ass. He'll still suck dick in the public and won't get in trouble." whispered Shepard.

"I can still hear you." growled the turian

"And I can still my balls clankin' against your fucking chin." retorted Shepard.

"Shepard…" Anderson said in a warning voice. Shepard just scowled inside of his mask and grumbled.

"I'm outta here before I kill this fool." Nihlus adjusted his weapon before preparing to get off.

"You're not coming with us?" asked Kaidan.

"I work faster on my own…besides, I don't work well besides an asshole anyways."

"Good fucking riddance." Matthew mumbled after Nihlus left.

As they touched down, Shepard and his team left for the beacon. "Alright, see a farmer, gun him down."

"Don't you mean ask them about the beacon, commander?" said Jenkins.

"Did I tell you to speak, Old man?"

"I'm younger than you!"

"I really think we should focus on the beacon, commander." said Kaidan before this could turn ugly fast with both this squad mates and the beacon being gone with all this fussing going around.

"Good idea, Alenko. Why can't you be more like him, Jenkins?"

"But I…"

"What are those?" Kaidan said looking over at the floating creatures a good feet from them.

"Gas bags." said Jenkin, showing some sort of pride in knowing this shit for some reason. "They're pretty harmless."

Without even blinking, Shepard proceeded to gun down every single one of them and continued to do so even when they were battling the geth. Perhaps that why Jenkins died though no fucks were given by Shepard.


	2. Chapter 2

Now that Jenkins was gone, he had Lt. Sexy to himself. That was at least until they got to Ashley, the lone survivor of the previous group that were here. Ugh. From a mile away, Shepard couldn't stand that bitch. He was quick to catch an attitude with her, feeling threatened by her mere presence. He wanted the bitch to stay behind, but after very little convincing from Kaidan, Shepard allowed her to come. They went forward to the dig site and found the beacon was gone.

"It was here. Someone must have moved it!" said Ashley.

"Who the hell moved it?" Shepard frowned. "Why the fuck would they move it?! I'm gonna cut a bitch."

"We should get to finding the beacon, commander." said Kaidan.

"Yeah." sighed Shepard. He really wanted to go back onto the ship and put sleeping medicine in the food so he could watch Kaidan sleep. But noooo! Some dipshit had to move the damn beacon! They moved onward towards the space port and saw the cuttle fish ship from the distance they were at.

"Look at the size of that ship!" said Ashley in awe.

"It looks like a cuttle fish." said Shepard. "Damn fish aliens. Let's watch it for a bit."

"Shouldn't we be trying to catch up with Nihlus or focus on the beacon?" Kaidan asked. Shepard surprisingly ignored him just as he watched the large ship go into the sky.

"Who knew watching a rocket take off would be so exciting?" said Shepard. He looked over and saw that his teammates were shooting at the geth. "Oh right! Coming!"

Together they shot up geth and looked around for any site of survivors. They got into a bunker of some sort and it was locked. Using his expert skills in hacking things like this, he managed to open up the bunker. Just his luck, two people were inside and one of the fuckers was crazy. After punching the shit out of him, they managed to get some information on both the beacon and the cuttle I mean ship before heading off. They ran into some farmers who tried playing sly with the Commander. After getting more information and effortlessly gunning them down, Ashley had to threw in her two cents.

"What the hell are you doing shooting..."

"Don't question me, BITCH." said Shepard. "I'm in charge here and if you wanna live, obey my orders and turn a blind eye to whatever I do."

"Are you hearing this?" she turned to Kaidan. Surely he wasn't putting up with this bullshit as well!

"I wasn't listening." Kaidan said as he watched a butterfly go by. "Did you say something?"

"Hop to, soldiers! We gotta find that beacon!" The dark haired man called to his team. 

"Yes sir!" said the other soldiers in unison.

The two continued on until they ran into the body of some sprawled out body that looked like a dino had been dropped when heading towards a museum. Shepard scowled. "Who the hell keeps leaving their over sized toys everywhere?"

"It's Nihlus." said Kaidan.

"That's...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!" Shepard cracked up. "THAT BITCH IS DEAD! OH GOD! THANK JESUS CHRIST! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Is that necessary?" Ashley looked annoyed.

"OF COURSE IT IS!" Shepard laughed. "I hated that racist turian fuck! He call me a chub once."

"What's a chub?" asked Kaidan.

"I don't know, but it sounded racist. Quick, find me a stick. I wanna poke him like a dead lizard."

Ashley had begun to call him childish when suddenly the crates in front of them moved and all three of them pointed their guns at it. The guy behind the crate quickly jumped from behind them. "Please don't...AH! MY ARM!"

"MAN THE FUCK UP, BITCH!" said the commander. "Anybody that hides like a little ho deserves it! Now get your ass completely from behind there! I wanna see legs and all!"

"You're crazy!" shouted the man holding his arm.

"That's what I was..." began Ashley.

"Nobody said you could talk, bastard!" snapped Matthew at Ashley. "Speak when spoken to. State your name and occupation, peasant!"

"I'm Cole and I...GAAAAAH!" He had gotten shot in the leg.

"You're the little bitch they mentioned back there. Now, hand over what you stole from the military!"

"Fine here...AAAH!" Shepard shot him again.

"HAND THE REST OVER!"

"Fine! S-shit!" He handed the rest over to Shepard. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! What?! I gave you everything!"

"YEAH A SHITTY GUN AND A GRENADE NO BIGGER THAN ASHLEY'S NUTSACK! FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU!" Just as Cole had gone a good distance from them, Shepard threw the grenade and killed Cole.

"That wasn't necessary, Shepard." Ashley glared at Shepard. This fucker was crazy.

"Whatever. Come on, you two." Shepard pressed forward with his team and it wasn't long before they ran into some trouble. Suddenly Shepard saw a message was coming in on his omi-tool, distracting him. Some idiot thought it was wise to report him in on the MMORPG game, Battle Strike, for both having an inappropriate name (TitKaiLover123SoOriginalDen6949) and harassing. Shepard scowled. Whoever did this was going to die tonight! Shepard went to work on a repeal, wording it very professionally and in a way nobody could argue with. It took a while for him to come up with the perfect letter and in that time, Ashley was back in his face.

"Commander! Come on! Defuse those bombs already!" shouted the raven at her superior. Oh hell nawl! This bitch just didn't come into his face to yell at him!

"DON'T SHOUT AT ME, IDIOT!" Shepard backhanded her. Of course this had very little impact on her since her face was guarded by her helmet. This also didn't impact her attitude and feelings towards the Commander.

"YOU DICK! YOUR SUPERIOR..."

"...CAN KISS MY WHITE ASS!" yelled Shepard. "Now back the hell up and let me do my thing, bitch!"

He went over to one of the bombs. Ashley wanted to shoot him so badly. Never had she encounter a dick like him before. It was a wonder he wasn't dead yet if this was how he treated everyone he came across. She nearly did it, but then Kaidan's voice caught her ear, warning her of the geth up ahead. She turned her attention to the threat as the two of them shot back, trying to protect Shepard as he defused the bombs. After the last geth was killed and Shepard defused the last bomb, the three made for the beacon.

"This is the beacon? It looks nothing like a beacon!" said Shepard. "What the hell!"

"It's Prothean." said Kaidan. "It's bound to be different than the ones we're used to."

"It's still a piece of shit. It looks like that thing that sucks the dust out of your house...hey what's that crazy bitch doing now?" Shepard noticed Ashley was being pulled towards the beacon. Shepard ran over and tackled her away from it before throwing her far away from it. "Stupid bitch! Don't touch what you don't...hey! What the hell's going on?!"

Shepard was being dragged towards it too. Before he knew it, he was floating in front of it with weird images flashing in front of him. They were going give him a fucking seizure! That little bitch! She'd trapped him and tricked him into getting her away from the beacon and now he was gonna get a seizure!

"Commander!" Kaidan tried getting to him, but Ashley held him back. Of course she would.

"Don't touch him!" shouted Ashley.

Then Shepard blacked out. The last thing he thought was, "That bitch is dead!"


	3. Insults! Insults Everywhere!

When Shepard woke back up, he was surprised when himself in the medical bay. He was happy that when he woke up Kaidan was there...and then the moment was ruined by the old bitch appearing. After thanking the man for taking him to the Normandy and he left the room, he turned to Chakwas. "Mind backing the fuck up? I'm allergic to old fucks and dry pussy."

"I'm glad you're feeling much better." said Chakwas rolling her eyes. 

"You know I hate coming in here!" complained Shepard. "How long was I out anyways? My head hurts. I hope your old ass didn't do anything to me."

"I didn't do anything horrible to you if that's what you mean." her eyes narrowed at him.

"But you could have, you old dinosaur." sighed Shepard rubbing his forehead. Damn he had a bad headache. Was it from Miss Dusty Pussy or the beacon?

"Physically you're fine, but I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves." the doctor said crossing her arms. "I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

"I wish! I was a bit fuzzy and went by fast as hell, but as far as I could tell it was people or animals or something being killed and destruction. Not the good kind either."

"The good kind?" she raised a brow at this. Anderson should really force Shepard to talk with a therapist. This guy might end up killing them all one day.

"Yeah, like dinosaurs and shit." Just then Anderson came into the room.

"How's Shepard doing?" asked the captain.

"Everything's fine. He'll live."

"You say that, but I don't believe a word you say!" said Shepard. For all he knew, she could secretly be plotting his demise or at least how she'll be celebrating it. He knew she wanted him, but he didn't want her and she knew that. To get back at him, she was going to hold back on telling him when he was going to be pushing up daisies. That evil old bitch!

"You're not the doctor here." said Chakwas turning to the man.

"You've got me there, but still..."

"Shepard, I need to speak to you in private." said Anderson.

"Okay. BEAT IT OLD WOMAN!" said Shepard. Chakwas glared at him before leaving the room.

Anderson then preceded to tell him something he didn't want to hear: they had to tell the shitty ass council about the beacon and Shepard's "dream". Shepard was quick to say fuck no, but he had no choice in the matter. Matthew had never met the council before, but from what he had heard they weren't too quick to give humanity a hand. They were more biased towards their races, aka asari, turians, and salarians. All of them were busted looking mother fuckers that Shepard knew were jealous of humanity's sexiness!

Shepard went up front and yelled in Joker's ear with a microphone. "BITCH HEAD TO THE FUCKING SHIT-ADEL! WE GOT BITCHES TO FUCK AND A COUNCIL TO SUCK OFF!"

"THAT'S RIGHT IN MY DAMN EAR!" yelled Joker. "Are you trying to making me deaf!?"

"Yes. You don't need to hear to drive, idiot." said Shepard.

"I fucking hate you."

"Right back at ya, Jeff." Matthew slapped him on the back as hard as he could. He then whispered in his ear, "...I'm kidding. I love you, Jokester."

While they headed towards the citadel, Shepard decided to head down and speak with Kaidan. Then he saw something he absolutely hated...ASHLEY "BJ Lips" WILLIAMS. Shepard was quick to be blunt to her. "How the fuck did you get here? I thought your ugly ass was going back wherever the fuck you came from."

"Captain Anderson invited me to work here." said Ashley. "Unfortunately that means you and I are going to be seeing a lot of each other."

"What do you mean by that, you big lipped barracuda!?" Shepard said insulted. If he were Ashley, he'd be thrilled to see himself.

"You're one to talk you...you...jerk!" Ashley didn't have a good comeback on hand at that moment.

"That's the best you've got, Miss BJ lips?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! The only people with lips that big are the kind that have been sucking dudes off...unless you've been doing that to yourself!"

"I'm not going to stand here and take this from you!" said Ashley.

"Yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"YES YOU WILL!"

"NO I WON'T!"

"YES YOU WILL!"

"NO I WON'T!"

"Will you two shut up?" said some random guy on the ship.

Shepard glared at him, headed over to him, and gave him a titty twister. The man screeched like a little girl until Joker announced they had reached the Citadel. Shepard let him go and the man fell to the ground sobbing as he held his chest were Shepard had grabbed.

"Next time, I'm taking it off!"

"I THINK YOU DID!"

"WANT THE OTHER GONE!?"

He shook his head as Chakwas went to look him over. Shepard turned back to Ashley. "Put on your armor and meet me upstairs. Bring Kaidan with you."

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" snapped the woman looking at the man with hate in her eyes.

"You don't have a choice. So unless you want what he got, put your armor on. Don't think I won't give a woman a titty twister too!" with that Shepard walked off.

"Oh I can't stand that man!" said Ashley as she headed over to Kaidan. "Can you believe him!?"

"Hm? What?"

"Shepard twisted that guy's nipple off!"

"For real? When?" said Kaidan.

"You didn't...Alenko are you deaf?" she asked concerned.

"No. I do have selective hearing sometimes,but it's pretty rare. I get headaches too."

"I see."

When they got off the ship, they were met by...UGH UDINA. Shepard glared at him, wanting to punch him in the face. "Shepard."

"UGH. Fucking Udina. You old ass walking corpse. I hope you get fucked up." said Shepard not trying to hide his dislike of the much older man. "I fucking hate you! Get out of my face, you piece of..."

"Shepard..." said Anderson.

"Going quiet now." Shepard made a zipper motion across his mouth.

After a brief chat with U-fucking-dina, Anderson told them to meet when they were ready. Once he left, he turned to his team. "Williams I can't stand you. Get lost in a hole somewhere."

"Fuck you." she snapped at him.

"Maybe later, but not by you unless you want to."

"In your dreams!" Ashley looked disgusted.

"Did you two say something?" said Kaidan who was looking over the railing. "I was looking at this nice view down here."

"Hey Ashley why don't you join him?" said Shepard. "Maybe the railing will break and you'll fall and die."

"Only if you'll join me, commander."

"No thanks. I've got ass to smash later. Come on, Kaidan. Let's go explore the Citadel before it's time to meet with the council. I guess you can come too, ASS-ly."

"As much as I hate you, I've got no choice but to." said Ashley sighing as they headed towards the elevator and went down to C-Sec. Once inside, Shepard gasped. "NIHLUS! NIHLUSES EVERYWHERE."

"Uh those are just regular turians commander." said Kaidan.

"Oh...WELL I CAN'T HELP EVERY FUCKING TURIAN LOOKS THE DAMN SAME! THEY PROBABLY HAVE THE SAME MAMMY!"

Every turian then looked at Shepard and shot glares at him. Shepard was confused. "Why the fuck are they staring? You don't think they're hungry?"

"They're probably mad because you said they're all related and look alike." said Ashley as they quickly walked to the other elevator.

"Oh...well in that case..." Once they were inside of the elevator, Shepard let the door stay open. "ALL YOU ARE RELATED, YO MOMMA HAS THE SAME MOMMA AS HER HUSBAND, YO SISTER IS YOUR COUSIN, AND YOU'RE ALL UGLY AND LOOK ALIKE! TERRA FIRMA FOR LIFE, YOU TURIAN FUCKERS! GO BACK TO PALAVEN WITH THE REST OF YOUR FUGLY KIND, LOOKING LIKE A RAPTOR THAT FUCKED HIS OWN MOTHER!"

Shepard closed the door quickly just as a few turians fired at him.

"You didn't really mean that do you Shepard?" asked Kaidan.

"Of course not!" said Shepard. "Just a bit of fun, Kaidan. I don't even know what that is."

"Riiiight." Ashley rolled her eyes.

"If you say so." Ashley face palmed so hard she nearly fell over. As they went up, Shepard leaned against the wall behind them and stared at Kaidan's ass as they went up.


End file.
